Rollercoaster Ride

I am not sure who is reading my blog at the moment but I know I haven't posted for a while as I was so sacred the fragile process would unravel. Well without focusing on the awful past I feel like I have been through roller coaster, everything that could go wrong did but I wont go there,I will keep the blog light and focus on the positives.



My family slyly arrange for a Adoption shower for me, I got so many lovely presents, for princess and myself, to will be utterly spoilt. I was also given loads of expensive creams to pamper myself when she is here also copious bottles of expensive hand cream.



Since my last post we have been approved/ matched and started introductions princess. So far she has blown us away, she is absolutely a dream and she came to us immediately. She hugged me and DH and the tears just welled as I couldn't believe this bundle of joy was ours to nurture. Our two hour visit went well, it was so amazing it was like we had known her all of our life, she didn't feel like we were meeting a stranger. We played with her and she babbled and dribbled over us. Well so far so good, we have one final introduction then she will be home so I will keep you posted.

I cannot believe I will be coming a mommy after 2 more sleeps.

Counting down getting anxious

I had the discussion with DH regarding his feelings and he stated he felt I was consumed by Princess coming, he was looking forward to it but not felt he needed some space and not every waking conversation to hear me muttering about adoption. I explained to him maybe I was a tad overboard but it was due to the excitement and also 99.9% of my friends didn't have problem conceiving therefore didn't understand, s I had no one to talk to.

Anyway he is extremely happy but being male will put everything in stride until it all happens, me on the other hand I am the opposite I dream about Princess coming home.

It is just under 3 weeks before I go to Matching Panel for Princess and I can honestly say I am happy,excited and anxious. So far we have decorated her room I am in the process of lining the curtains for her room. I cannot believe in just under 3 weeks I will leave work to become a mummy and give up my career, but it will be worth it....

I am so looking forward to this.and at the moment on cloud 1010. My only concern is everyone thinks I have unrealistic expectations and they all say it is hard work. I am clear initially it will be hard work but I hope I will be a Super mummy. (I know I have set myself up).

Anyway, I will day dream in the sunset and keep you posted.......

I am still here

The last time I posted I was so happy I was going to be mother. The following day I was up bright and early and me and DH went to do the grocery shopping prior to hitting the shops for baby stuff. When we were in the Supermarket at the end of the aisle I saw a heavily pregnant lady but when I got closer I realised it was an old friend of mine who I had not seen for over 6yrs because we had lost contact.

On seeing each other we screamed, hugged and kissed and I touched her enormous stomach and said when are you due, she said two weeks and I am having a girl. She looked lovely, she was blooming. then she introduced me to her new gorgeous husband (been married one year ). She asked if we had any children, to which I replied no it didn't happen for us, but couldn't bring myself to discuss the adoption. I was so happy for her meeting her made me realise my journey to Austraila was on the boat not by plane.

After that I came home and wallowed in self pity for a week and was not very nice to DH. On reflection I think seeing my friend made me realise that no matter what Infertility would also be with me. I do not believe it will ever goes away. The whole experience numbed me a bit and in a way I also thought about us not having a biological child who wouldn't carry my genes. This pre adoption dark cloud stopped me in my tracks and I just couldn't look at baby things.. I think it was also the longing of having a baby and being a mother from day dot.

My dear SS boosted me by arranging for us to meet Princess carer. We met Princess FC two weeks ago, and she painted a rosy picture and brought Princess to life. She crawling, standing up and has a few pegs. Princes is adorable and a cutie. Her FC provided me with some photographs but Princess looked glum in all and it broke my heart seeing how sad and vulnerable, princess looked. The pictures hit a raw nerve in my heart and really upset me, since that meeting I have been so emotional.

At the meeting with the FC a few things came out nothing major but illustrated different parenting styles, ie when FC puts Princess to bed ,she turns the light off and leaves princess to play. There was mention of kissing her goodnight, reading a story etc, the things I know I will do.

The following morning after the meeting I was late for work because I couldn't get myself together I was crying with emotion, I just couldn't stop the tears. (I never cry ), I think it may be seeing her pics it has made the process so real.

My SW has confirmed she should be home by her early Dec 09. I am so excited and have been jumping for joy.and brought a Xmas outfit. I have provided work with notice I leave in three weeks and half week.. Panic, panic. It feels so strange, as my friends all said your career is over !!

We have to go Panel to be matched which is another step .... Ie Adoptive parent does HS, then gets approved, Child is approved to be adopted. parents found and child and Adoptive parent matched and approved..

Anyway since our good news and me emerging from my pre adoption dark cloud, a few people have peeded me off..

ie one person liken our adoption to when they adopted their dog. I calmly said "you are being insensitive and Adoption is much more"

Another twit said "Have you noticed that you adopt the baby grows to look like you, like having a dog"

Another arse who has two birth children said " you will hate it, you will never cope with a little one it is so hard"

Another "You must ... we did"

Another " I do not think you should ... "


The list goes on and on .... Arses.... !

But on the other hand, the majority of my friends and family have cried with Joy on hearing the news and have been congratulating us and rushing out to buy things. Even my father has asked about cots, pushchairs etc and is so excited to meet her.

On the whole I am extremely happy but DH is getting overwhelmed and this morning said "can we stop talking about adoption it is driving me mad". I was naughty and said " stop being jealous over a child" a result a war of words has started in the household.....and we need to talk asap.

I am a very vocal person and when happy talk, when I am sad talk but maybe DH is also overwhelmed with the whole process and does not have an outlet..

No doubt when he gets home we need to talk and make peace. I have been considerate and asked him every step of the way, are you sure you want to proceed...

Will keep you posted of events

I am so excited

Since I last posted I haven't received any news regarding when my princess is going to be placed.. but we are over the moon and we are so happy

I have been.....shopping ...............big time

I know I am being silly it is early days yet but I have been waiting for this moment for ages..
So far brought (in 2 visits)

6 dresses (from 1 to 3yr so she can grow in them)
2 pairs of jeans
8 tops
2 cardigans
3 sleep suits
books
7 body vest
1 baby tracksuit,
Cot bed!!

Also made lists of things to buy !!!

When I am sad I spend, When I am happy I spend ... so no change..

I came clean with DH and he was amazed.. one could spend so quickly. My rationale was if I didn't spend on Princess then I would spend on myself. (I have just donated 8 bin bags of lovely clothes and shoes to charity).

So the table as turned, I have become a shopaholic for little girls clothes.

If she is placed with us by Xmas I have brought a Xmas outfit for her.

I know I am mad, but this has been therapeutic..

Must rest the shops wil be open in another 12hrs...

I cannot believe it - my boat has arrived

We have just been notified that our boat has arrived. We have been matched with a one year old princess. OMG, we cannot believe it. I am in shock. I cannot believe I am going to be a mummy. It is earlier days yet we don't have a date for panel, introductions or when we meet little one... but I and DH are so happy, I have cried with emotion
We just cannot believe it one step forward..

I have everything crossed my boat is here.....

The boat trip- author unknown

Deciding to have a baby is like planning a trip to Australia. You've heard it's a wonderful place, you've read many guidebooks and feel certain you're ready to go.

Everyone you know has traveled there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you can look forward to being pampered on the trip.

So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems there is no seat for you, you'll have to wait for the next flight. Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait... and wait... and wait.
Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, "Relax. You'll get on a flight soon." Other people actually get on a plane and then cancel their trip, to which you cry, "It's not fair!"

After a long time the ticket agent tells you, "I'm sorry, we're not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat."

"By BOAT!" you say. "Going by boat will take a very long time and it costs a great deal of money. I really had my heart set on going by plane." So you go home and think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat.

It is a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three more times, marveling about each trip.

Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. It is more exquisite than you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many wonderful friends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also traveled by sea rather than by air.

People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, but you are able to travel only once, perhaps twice. Some say things like, "Oh be glad you didn't fly. My flight was horrible; traveling by sea is so easy."

You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know God blessed you with a special appreciation of Australia, and the beauty of Australia is not in the way you get there, but in the place itself.

For everyone waiting I hope your boat comes ...

Fall out

Since I last posted we have had two interviews, for two seperate little ones. The first interview was two weeks ago for a 1yr old and went well, in our eyes (but as yet no feedback).

The second interview (for a 2yr )last week was crap, it appears MR and MRS insensitive SS decided to start with the IVF scenario questions.

"Ie your last IVF was quite recent", yes almost two years since I last injected myself to the - i muttered a negative way, i really wanted to say something else but didn't.

"How and when did you decide to adopt was prior to IVF or after?", I almost died talk about opening up a bloody big wound. I HAVE MOVED ON AND NOW WANT TO ADOPT ARS*H%%%%!

There were loads of stupid parenting questions, which annoyed me, ie I don't have children yet but expect to take the good bits from my upbringing and parent a child the same way.

MR SS had the audacity to tell me parenting was a hard job, REALLY!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway after 3 hrs of pure dribble waste of time- in my eyes the interview was over.

Those IVF questions got my back up and I felt I was defending my reason for adopting. I think we lost that interview because I was so upset and angry, I couldn't be my self and was quite tense and told both SS's at various stages I didnt agree and they were basically talking bollocks.
During that interview we didn't receive one positive feedback about our parenting skills or were not complemented at all.

So it looks like Pandora box has been opened and I am so annoyed and angry with this process. This has nothing to do with a child being placed but with people ie SS being totally insensitive regarding other needs , having no empathy and playing GOD. They can keep the child, I am not interested if I have to kiss arse.

A friend of mine had suggested during the wait process I should venture into shops and browse and think about the nursery, ie stuff we need to buy. So far because I haven't had the confidence because I don't have a great big expanded tummy. Really I am unable to visit any shops and look at baby things because I feel like a great big fraud ie I am adopting, it is no longer becoming a positive thing as the process is so hard.
Also since this crazy interview last week, a deep cloud has descended on me and I worry will I ever be a mom.

The annoying thing is, I have no one else to talk to, all my friends are yummy mummy's.

Aplogs for the annoying post but I had to let of steam

I am still waiting

I know I haven't posted for a while but there has been no progress on the adoption front. None whatever... No one warned us the approval ie home study was the simple bit but the wait to be matched with a child is so painful and agonising.

We were initially told about a little one but in true sense it all went to pots so back to the drawing board. I had spoken to my SW and explained my concerns regarding lack of any potential links and she has pulled her finger out and started looking and sent our details out. The big issue she has at the moment is end of summer holidays so not everyone is around. Hopefully next month the ball will start rolling...

Another thing which worries me is the competitiveness of matching process. From what I understand it is all down to how well on paper you can satisfy the child's need based on the social worker view of your profile. My confidence is fading fast, does no one not like our profile!!

I am slightly annoyed by the comment from a supposedly friend (so to be ex friend) who said
" I cannot believe you haven't been matched with a child yet, at this rate you will need to be re approved again in May 2010, your approval lasts for a year and then you have to go to panel to be re approved"

Thanks for the vote of confidence. We to are aware of this fact.

This the same lovely person who also told me " I need to get my head around it that when we adopt our child will look nothing like us".

Anyway I have taken this time to have a child free life, lie ins, generally sorting out junk from the house.

Our child is out there, but we haven't met yet..

Waiting is so hard

I didn't realise that waiting for a potential match was so hard! Maybe I am going crazy but I keep dreaming about being a mother with a little girl. I know what you are thinking sad or what, maybe I am.

I am in a real strange mood at the moment,

*my job is peeving me of at the moment. I suppose its because we are in the process of adopting and know I am going to be having time out.

* us not having biological children aka interfility has consumed me: first a supposedly good friend dampened my enthusiasm for adoption by saying "you better get your head around it but when you adopt your children will not look anything like you" Thanks

* this adoption malarkey is out of my hand, I am not in control, our social worker called up and said " hiya, we had a potential match ie little girl 6 months old but myself and my boss decided this wasn't a good match for you, anyway we are still looking! What how th hell was that how could she know how much my heart is aching to be a parent!!!!!!!!!!

*Dh is peeving me off, he is so matter of fact about everything...

Sorry my blog isn't as well written as the rest but writing how i feel is is very therapeutic.

I must dash to drink some more water the 2 glasses of wine as done me in.

Its Official....

Just received our Notification letter confirming we are official Adopters and our approval at panel has been ratified. Reading the letter felt like I had won the lottery , I just welled up light at the end of the tunnel. I am so happy my dream is coming through. We have been approved to adopt up to 2 siblings.

What I can say is any doubts I had about adopting vanished after reading the blogs listed in the ones I follow. These blogs demonstrate how powerful a mothers love can be. I just hope when my time comes I can be a successful a parent as you guys . "Thank You"

I will keep you posted on my journey in finding our family...ie find a child or children.

I am going to open the bottle of champagne to celebrate

Goodbye Embryo And Welcome Child/Children To Be

I am not sure if anyone is reading this blog but I (well me and DH) decided at the end of 2007 not to pursue another go at IVF because we couldn't go through the heartache if it wasn't successful.


So after loads of deliberating we decided to change route and move onto adoption. Since my last blog in November 2007 we have been down the adoption approval route but didn't blog. Anyway we have been approved just waiting for our approval to be ratified.


I have been clearing out the spare room and came across this scribble I wrote December 2007. In reading it it brought tears to be eyes and I thought I need to capture this.

"Goodbye To My Embryo's

The purpose of this short missive is to say Goodbye Embryo's to my Embryos that didn't implant.


Joshua and Olivia you were created on the 13th Feb 2000 and both were 4 cells when put back. Goodbye to the potential twins I didn't have, it wasn't to be.


Sebastian, Bianca and Isabella created on the 13th Sept you were my 6 and 8 cells who were replaced. Goodbye my triplets who also didn't make it. Once again it wasn't meant to me"


Typing this as a posting has been therapeutic and I feel closed a chapter in my life for the start a new one.

"Welcome to my adoptive child or children to be"